If Only
by OriginalPippie
Summary: This was one of the first Bam fanfics I ever wrote. It's in the POV of one of Bam's friends... who has been keeping a secret.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Oh man he looked at me. Ok just keep cool, breathe, and move slowly. I don't think I've ever seen eyes so pretty, so blue. I love blue especially that shade. He looked at me again.

This time he smiled. Oh man that smile of his is just… I'm getting shivers down my spine. Ok I've got to get a grip on myself. Just because he invited me over here doesn't mean anything. He invited other people here today too. It's no big deal.

I'm probably looking like a complete idiot right now, standing here in this corner, quivering and giggling timidly every time he looks in my direction, let alone speak to me.

I hope I didn't blush too much the last time he came up to me, asking if I was having a good time. I just about melted into the wall when his hand brushed against my thigh as he walked away. I know that wasn't intentional but it made me so excited, just knowing that he touched me.

I don't know what it is about him, but I just feel so intimidated, overjoyed, overwhelmed, and almost turned on by him every time he even glances in my general direction. I don't know why I always put myself through this every time I'm near him, every time I see him, every time I hear his voice.

I know I'll never be able to be as close to him as I want to be. I'll never have him no matter how much I want him. And I want him so badly; sometimes it hurts how much I want him. But I could never let him know how I feel. There's no way he would even understand. God why must he do this to me?

As I watch him walk over to his girlfriend, I stick my sweaty hands into the pockets of my jeans. I just stand there staring at him, and hope that no one notices. He sits down on the leather couch and laughs that great laugh, while flashing those beautiful white teeth.

Man is there nothing on his body that isn't perfect? Even that mole next to his nose shines of perfection. Some people would consider that mole to be a flaw, perhaps his only flaw, but not me. I adore it.

I move my hand over to graze the swelling through the thin cloth of the pocket. My pants are starting to feel a little snug as I continue to fondle myself.

I have to tear my gaze away from his body once I catch a glimpse of it; that little peak of black ink etched on his smooth skin under his shirt was enough to tease me more. The sight is becoming too much for me.

Please don't look at me. Please don't notice the fact that I have a hard on forming in my jeans from just watching you across the room. I just can't take it.

I actually came out of my lonely corner and I head for upstairs. I enter the bathroom, close the door behind and lock it. At first I stand there, hunched over the sink, hoping that the moment would pass.

But that image of him sitting on the couch laughing with his girlfriend remains on my mind. I guess I am just imaging that it was me next to him. How I want to know what it is like to be his girlfriend. I wish that for once I could take over her body, just so I could do everything I ever wanted to do to him.

I keep my eyes closed as I move over to the toilet. I then put the lid down before I take a seat. It is hard to undo my pants, partly because my hand is shaking. My hands push my pants down as hard as they can, allowing my hard dick to spring up easily.

I bite my lower lip as I wrap my hand firmly around myself. In my mind I am grabbing hold of his hard pink prick. I wonder how he would react to my touch. Would he let out a deep-throated groan as I tenderly jerked him off? I have to hold back my own groans at the mere thought of the sounds he would make.

I can feel myself growing warmer in the palm of my hand with each firm jerk. I arch my neck back as I desperately try to control my breathing. My dick is beginning to throb as I jerk it harder, faster.

If only he was in here with me, even if he just stood there watching me. If only he would be here right now so I could taste his soft lips and whisper in his ear. If only I could hold him in my arms right now. Oh God.

I am shaking as I feel the warm, sticky liquid fill the palm of my hand. My cock has softened a little and it just fell forward. My eyes have cracked open as a sit here trying to catch my breath. As I manage to stand up, I pull my jeans up with my clean hand and make my way over to the sink.

I let the water run for a moment before holding my hands under it. After washing the fresh cum off, I dry my hands with the towel that hangs on the rack behind me. Slowly I fasten my jeans and hold onto the doorknob. I have to wait a second before I can turn the lock, just to get my dirty images of him out of my head.

I take a deep breath and open the door, and then I start to make my way back downstairs. I just hope no one finds out what I just did in Bam's bathroom.

Now at the bottom of the steps, someone touches me on the shoulder. I look over to see who it is, praying that it isn't Bam. I don't want to get turned on again.

"Oh it's just you Raab." I say with great relief.

"Bran where have you been this whole time?"

"I uh… I was in the bathroom. Why?"

"Oh just, Bam wanted to talk to you. I don't think it's a big deal."

Great. He wanted to talk to me and I was upstairs giving myself pleasure. That's all I need now.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I'm trying not to let my voice shake or crack as I speak to her.

"Hey Jenn have you seen Bam? Someone said he wanted to talk to me."

"The last time I knew he went outside for some fresh air."

"Oh ok. I guess I'll go out there to look."

Man I get so jealous of her; because she gets to be with him any time she wants. She gets to feel his body on her. It's so hard to hide my envy whenever I'm around her.

I turn away from her and start for the back door. What does Bam want to talk to me about? Maybe he wants to confess to me of how he's really felt about me this whole time. Maybe he wants to tell me how he can't help but want me, and there is no way he can keep his urges to himself any longer.

Maybe I'm just getting my hopes up, and I'm just going to get a big disappointment. I'm just fooling myself. He's never going to feel the same way about me. Even if he did he wouldn't let me know about it. Would he?

So I'm looking around out here but I don't see him anywhere. No one's out here except Rake. Stupid Rake why couldn't you have been Bam?

"Rake! Come here."

"What do you want?" He says as he walks up to me.

"Bam's not out here is he?"

"He was but I think he went back inside. Prob'ly went up to his room."

"Ok thanks." I turn and go back inside.

I hate getting this run around. But maybe it will be worth it when I see Bam. Oh yes it's always worth it, just as long as I see him. The anticipation is building inside of me with every step I take.

Every step is bringing me closer to Bam. I almost can't take the feeling in my gut. What does Bam want to tell me? It's driving me crazy!

My hands are starting to sweat again as I grasp the railing and slowly climb the stairs. As I reach the top of the stairs I feel like my knees are about to give out on me.

"Hey Bran is that you?"

Oh man that was him! He called me! I love his voice… Ok just calm down. Just answer back.

"Yeah… yeah what do you want?"

"Come in here man. I want to ask you something."

"Oh… Alright."

I have to take a deep breath and allow my heart to slow down to a somewhat normal pace. I'm trying to keep myself from running in there like a lovesick puppy.

If I did that I just might leave a little accident on his floor that he would have to rub my puppy nose in. I gotta stop that, starting to turn myself on. Don't want to have to run into the bathroom again.

I peek around the open bedroom door looking for him. At first I don't see him but them he comes into view with that smile.

Oh it seems as if a golden light is surrounding him right now. I can almost hear the choir singing as he moves toward me.

"Are you just going to stand there Bran? You're acting like you've never been in my room before."

I have been in his room before, but never where it was just the two of us. It just feels so forbidden and taboo to me, which is why I'm still standing here in the doorway. I hope I don't start drooling over myself. I don't want to appear as some giggling schoolgirl waiting for his autograph or something.

Finally stepping inside I close the door behind me, in case what he wants to ask me is something meant to be private. I'm sitting here on his bed just to see what it's like. He is going through his closet so hopefully he didn't notice me caressing the sheets in between my fingers. These sheets actually get the privilege of touching Bam's body at night. I look back up at him, just catching his eyes again.

"So… what did you want to ask me?" I ask, trying to sound normal.

"Hold on I'm trying to find it. It's no big deal. I just happened to think about it so I came up here before I forgot."

"Oh what is it?"

He pulls a t-shirt out of his closet and tosses it to me. I hold it up after catching it and gaze at it. It is one of my favorite t-shirts that he wears. I want to smell it, and rub it all over me just to get his scent on me.

"What's this for?"

"You like it?"

"Yeah but…"

"I have another one just like it so I though I'd see if you wanted it. You don't have to keep it if you don't want."

I want to jump up and wrap my arms around him as tight as I possibly can, just to show how much it means to me. This has to be a dream. I can't believe that he's actually giving me one of his t-shirts, one that he wears all the time.

I never expected anything like this. I just hold the shirt in my hands and look at it; I even try not to smile. If I smile now my feelings for him are definitely going to show. I can't let that happen.

"Thanks man. This is cool." More like amazing.

"No problem." He looks down and scratches his head. "Hey there's actually something else."

"W…what's that?" I'm starting to get really nervous.

"I uh… no it's stupid. Forget it."

"No what is it? I can tell you want to tell me something important."

He starts to approach me while obviously trying not to look at me, at least not in my eyes any way. Maybe it really is what I've always hoped for. I just got to breathe now. There he stands in front of me, looking awkwardly at his feet.

"Bran I… you're not going to believe this but I…" He looks up and I can see the timid expression in his eyes, and the red tint forming on his cheeks, as he runs his hands through his hair.

"Oh man how do I even say this?"

I stand up to where I can be at eye level with him and drop the shirt onto the bed.

"It's ok Bam. Whatever you have to say to me, I'll understand."

"No you wont." He turns away from me.

"There's no way that you'll understand this."

"Bam you're like… you're like my best friend. If you have a problem or anything… you can tell me."

He shakes his head and turns back around to face me.

"No… no I can't tell you this. It's just too… I… oh fuck it I just got to do it."

He's holding the sides of my face in his hands right now. His lips are actually on mine. They're everything I expected them to be, so warm, so smooth so… oh wow. I can't believe this is happening.

Bam is kissing me right now. My knees are starting to shake so I place my hands around his waist for support. Oh man that's his tongue. Bam's tongue has just entered my mouth. How could this be happening for real? It must be a dream.

He is moving me toward the bed, and I'm leaning back against the mattress. This kiss is getting so intense; I don't want it to end.

He's so warm and strong; I don't want to leave his arms. It's just too nice to waste. I've got to make the most of it.

"Bran. Did you hear me?"

Looking up from the shirt in my hands, I see him standing there waiting for a response to a question I missed him ask.

"What?"

"I asked you if you like the shirt."

"Oh… uh… yeah it's great." Oh why oh why oh why couldn't that kiss be real?

"Thanks."

Thanks for a big let down. But I suppose that wasn't your fault. And I suppose it isn't a total let down. After all he did just give me one of his t-shirts.

"I have another one just like it. I thought you might like

it."

"Oh yeah. It's cool."

I stand up and lie the shirt across my shoulder. Walking over to the door I turn to look at him again. He just waves at me as I reach the door.

"I'll see you downstairs man." He says.

"Yeah ok."

I walk out the door and close my eyes as I lean against the wall. Damn my vivid imagination, with that and the t-shirt he just gave me, I'm not going to get to sleep tonight. If only that kiss was real.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

After a few hours of trying to control my emotions, I came home. It's not normally the time I would go to bed, but I figure I'm going to be up half the night thinking about him any way.

Might as well be comfortable under my own sheets while I'm remembering about the day. Here I lie wrapped in the blanket. Something doesn't seem right for some reason.

Maybe it's just because I'm not tired yet. I'll try to just close my eyes. Nope no use. As soon as I close my eyes I see his face taunting me.

Throwing my blanket off I sit up gazing into the darkness of my lonely, lonely room. Over on the top of the pile resting on my dresser is the shirt Bam gave to me.

I just got the urge to pick it up and put it on. After walking over to my dresser I now wrap my fingers around the cotton t-shirt and just feel it with my finger tips. I carefully pick it up, making sure that it doesn't some how get damaged, and spread the cloth out over my hands.

For the first time since I've been alone the smile I had been fighting back is making its appearance. Look at me I'm getting giddy over a t-shirt that Bam gave me.

While holding the shirt up, I am imagining it on his body for a moment. Oh that body of his makes me want to bite it sometimes. I want to bite him all over. I bet he would like to be bitten.

I hold the shirt up to my nose and take in a deep breath. Mmmm…. It smells so good, so intoxicating. I feel like I just sucked in Bam's essence through my nose.

Looking down at my own shirt is making me frown a little. I should be wearing Bam's shirt. Quickly tearing my drab old shirt off, and tossing it to the floor, I now laugh as I pull Bam's shirt over my head.

It feels so good against my skin; I never want to take it off. It's the closest thing I have to him being on me. I wish I were in his arms right now. But this shirt is going to have to do.

As I'm walking back to my bed I laugh again, feeling like I just opened a Christmas or birthday present. I lie back down and cover myself up.

With my eyes closed and goofy grin on my face I am able to relax and just take in everything from earlier today.

I just pulled into Bam's driveway. Good I don't see his hummer. This is the first time I came here not looking for Bam.

After last night I just need to talk to someone, but I'm not ready for it to be Bam. I need to talk to someone who wont shun me or freak out over my personal problems.

Normally I'd go to Bam for that, but this is about him. Which is why I came to see her. I know she'll understand and maybe help me to know what to do with myself.

I enter the house through the same door I always use and walk into the kitchen. She's here folding clothes so that means she'll have time for a chat.

"Hello April. Lovely day today isn't it?"

"Hi Brandon. Bam's out right now…"

"I know. You're actually the one I wanted to see."

"Oh yeah? What are you up to?" She asks suspiciously.

"Nothing I swear. I just needed to talk to some one. I figured you would be a good one to go to."

"Oh well I'm flattered. What do you need to talk about?"

"Do you mind if we…" I motion to the chairs.

She nods and pulls two chairs out for us to sit down in.

"Well you see Ape… I have these feelings for someone around here and they're growing stronger all the time. The thing is there's nothing I can do about it because this person is all ready involved in a relationship with some one else, and they're so good for each other." I pause and look at her.

"Well have you told this person how you feel about them?"

My eyes widen.

"Oh no I can't do that! H…they wouldn't understand. You see that's another reason why I can't do anything about my feelings. This person I like… is a guy. I… I don't know what to do."

She looks stunned. April is the first person I ever came out to in a round about way.

"Oh… I had no idea you were gay."

"No one did. I've always been too scared to let any one know."

"I'm the only one you've told?" I nod. "Why did you choose to tell me first?"

"Because… this guy I like is… well he's your son. Now you know why I don't know what to do about this situation." I look down at my lap shamefully.

"I can't believe I just told you. Please don't say anything especially to Bam."

I am starting to feel the tears in my eyes.

"Brandon it's ok. It took a lot of courage to tell me about this. If you don't want me to say anything I wont."

"Thanks." I choke my tears back. "But I still don't know what to do."

"I'm sorry but I really don't know what to tell you. I guess you're going to have to figure this one out yourself. Do whatever feels right to you."

"Ok. Ok I will." I stand up and give her a hug.

"This actually helped me feel a little better. Just getting this off my chest feels good."

"If there's ever any thing else, Brandon, don't be afraid to talk to me about it."

"Thanks I'll keep that in mind." I say as I head back for the door. "Have a nice day Ape."

"You too Brandon. And don't get yourself in trouble."

"But what am I supposed to do for fun?" I laugh as I start to walk away from April's earshot.

Good ol'e April. She's always there to hand out motherly advice when you're on her good side.

When you're doing things just to watch her freak out, that's a different story.

I really do feel better now that I talked to her. I think I am able to think through what I'm going to do more clearly.

Don't want to rush into things, so I'll start out slow. Think it will be best right now if I finally come out to everyone and leave it at that.

I just came out to April and the world didn't collapse, plus these are my friends so hopefully they will take it well.

I just have to decide how I'm going to go about doing it. Hmmm… which way is better?

Pulling the band-aid off slowly and one hair at a time, or all at once with one quick rip?

I never had to drop a bomb like this before so this is going to be tricky and most likely nauseating.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I am so nervous right now. I still have no idea how I'm going to do this. How are they going to take it? Right now I'm still waiting for everyone to show up.

I don't want to do anything until they're all here. This is a big step for me, how do the other people do it?

Someone just came in, have to go see who it is. Raab is already here, so this could be either one of the others. My nerves are starting to throw a party in my stomach but it's not a very fun party.

Looks like Rake and Glomb decided to show up together. Now the other three just need to be here. I just want to get it over with.

Man what's taking them so long? Ok I've got to calm down. They'll be here. As soon as everyone's here and comfortable, I'll tell them.

Looking at my watch is just making the time go by slower. Great Ryan is walking in the door right now. Oh even better Jenn and Bam are right behind him.

"Hey Bran. Sorry we're a little late but we had to pick up Dunn's slow ass." He says with that laugh he always seems to have in his voice.

"It's ok. Great everyone's here now. Just uh… yeah just take a seat. I want everyone to get comfortable."

"What's the matter with you today Dico? You ask us all to come over and you're acting all nervous. It's like you're planning on proposing to us or something." Glomb laughs.

"Oh that's… that's a good one. But there is something I wanted to tell you guys. It's pretty important." They all look at me, expecting a big speech. In a way, I guess, that's what I'm going to give them.

"You see I've wanted to tell you guys something for… just about as long as we've known each other. But I never knew how to do it, and I guess I've just been too scared of how you guys would take it."

I pause and take a deep breath. They're all staring at me.

"First of all, you know you're all my closest friends and can handle just about any crazy thing that I do. Right?"

I look at all of them individually before my eyes land on Bam. He seems the most relaxed of the group. He can handle just about anything that is thrown at him.

"Second, even though I know you're my closest friends, and you'll always be there for me and everything… I still need to be reassured that you'll support me in this one thing, and just treat me the same way you've always treated me."

They look like they've got a pretty good idea what I'm about to tell them now. So I'm just going to say it and hope for the best.

"Guys… what I'm trying to say is… I'm gay."

Nothing. No reaction at all. This can't be good. Well it's definitely not what I expected, but it doesn't seem good to me.

Ryan slides out of his chair and heads for the door without even looking at me.

"I just remembered I have to be somewhere… somewhere that's not here."

"Dunn get back here!" Bam calls after him. Too late, he was out the door.

It's ok, just because he left like that, doesn't mean he wouldn't want to be my friend any more. Does it? Everyone else is still here; hopefully I can count on them.

Ooh… that look on Raab's face right now. He looks as if I just told him that I was thinking of raping his mother or something just as bad.

I can feel the lump forming in my throat and my cheeks growing red. Raab stands up, still giving me that look.

"I can't believe this. Bran the fag. Why in the hell did you have to tell us something like that?" He says as he's going out the door.

"Raab not you too! Come on!" Bam says, sounding like he's going to kick the ass of the next guy who walks out on me.

Glomb is next to stand up, though much slower than Ryan and Raab. He just looks shocked as hell and shakes his head as he starts to walk away.

"I… man I really wasn't expecting this. How could you be gay? I mean…" he just quickly leaves out the door, obviously not knowing what else to do.

I look over at Rake. He's just sitting there looking half confused and half betrayed. I turn away from him so I wont have to watch him leave just like everyone else.

"You all just leave then!" I hear Bam shout right before he closes the door.

I can't believe Bam is trying to stand up for me, even though they all left. I'm trying not to let my humiliation show, but I don't think it's working.

Bam and Jenn walk up to me. Jenn hasn't said a word or looked at me since I said those two words that drove the others out.

"Are you going to be ok Brandon?" She asks

I'm trying not to cry right now but it's so hard.

"I… I guess so… I don't know. I thought it would have gone over better than this. That's the worst reaction I expected I would get."

"Bran don't worry about those jerks. They just acted like that, probably, because they've known you for so long, and they just don't know how else to take this kind of news. It took a lot of guts to tell us."

"You think so?" I ask with a sniff.

"Yeah." Jenn looks at me and then at Bam.

"You think maybe I should leave you two alone? I'm not too good at comforting people…"

"It's ok Jenn. If you're uncomfortable around me right now then you can go. I understand I suppose."

"I'll just be outside, so you two can talk." She smiles at me sympathetically and then leaves.

Now that Bam and I are alone my tears are coming freely. I can't believe I'm crying in front of Bam.

"This totally sucks Bam. I thought that coming out would make me feel better. But what they did to me… it hurts so much. Why would they do this to me? I thought they were my friends."

I cover my face with my hands.

"Bran it's ok. They didn't mean to be hurtful. They're just shocked."

"Why didn't you leave like the rest of them? How come you're being so nice tome right now? And why did you stand up for me as they were leaving?"

"Bran come on. You know I've always got your back no matter what. It's their problem if they let this bother them. So what if you're gay? Big fucking deal. To me it's just one more thing that I know about you. You've always been one of the coolest guys I've ever known, and you being gay isn't going to change my opinion about you."

"You really mean it?"

"Yeah. Would I still be here right now if I didn't?"

I uncover my eyes and wipe tears off my cheeks as I look at him. I can't help it so I wrap my arms around him and burry my face into his shoulder.

"You're a good friend Bam. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"So are you feeling better now?"

"I will be. Just give me a minute."

This hug feels so nice right now. Another urge is coming over me so I discreetly smell his neck, hoping he doesn't notice of course.

He smells so good. I lift my head and look into his eyes.

Feeling so much more at ease I decide to take my chance. I know he's not expecting it but I just have to do it while I'm still in his arms.

Leaning forward just a little bit, I place my lips on his.

After about half to maybe one and a half seconds, Bam pulls himself away from me.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I-I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I just… you made me feel so good about myself, and let me hug you… I'm sorry I shouldn't have kissed you. I just did it without thinking."

"Why would you kiss me? I was only trying to cheer you up, not put the moves on you!"

"I said I was sorry!" the tears are falling again. "I couldn't help it. You're just so cute, and caring… I wanted to see what it was like. Y-you're all I…"

"All you what?"

"You're all I ever think about. At first I just thought it was a crush, but now I realize that I have true feelings for you. You've just been so nice to me lately, giving me that t-shirt… which by the way I've slept in it the past two nights."

"You tried to stand up for me just now, and you're one of the only ones who didn't walk out on me after I said I was gay. You stayed behind even to comfort me. Because of all this it's no wonder that I love you so much. Is it really so bad that I kissed you when I had the chance?"

"Whoa… slow down Bran. Y-you love me?"

"God I wish I didn't just tell you that. Now you're probably not going to be able to look my in the eyes any more. I'm sorry I even brought it up."

"Bran it's ok."

"No you're just saying that."

"I'm not. Sure I'm stunned that you kissed me, and that you just confessed your love for me. It's going to take some time to get used to I'll admit that. But I'm still going to be your friend."

"You're probably the only one Bam."

"No. They'll come around. Trust me. Just stop crying now." he reaches over and wipes a couple tears away with his thumbs, which makes me smile.

"Thanks. I appreciate it. Man I never cried like that in front of any one before."

"And you picked me to be the first to witness it?"

"It's not like I planned on it."

"I know. So um… you prob'ly want to be alone right now. If you don't mind, Jenn and I are gonna take off now."

"Oh sure. Go ahead."

"I'll see you later then."

"Right. Take care Bam."

I stand here and watch Bam walk out the door. I still can't believe that I actually kissed him like that. Laughing to myself, I walk over to my couch and sit down. Wow I did it.

I came out to everyone and was very embarrassed and hurt in the process. Then I tell Bam how much I love him and kiss him.

What a crazy experience this has been for me. Don't know what's going to happen next, but I can't wait to find out. In the meantime I think I'll be sleeping easier tonight.


End file.
